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It seems like everything is shutting down. Wretch.cc, Yahoo blog, all the documentation of my first years here.

Our friendship.

I feel like there's nowhere to rant now. I thought I was done with this blog, but the mess in my head just doesn't feel worthy of the other one.

And what a mess it is.

Half of it I so want to share with you while the other half I'm not sure I want you to know. But I suppose if I'm going to rant, I'll get all of it out. I know you'll read this at one point, I just don't know when. I guess that's a risk I will take.







I miss you.

I miss us.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. Why I'm suddenly changing everything again. Okay, correction. I know exactly why I'm doing this. I just didn't expect it to be so hard.

I feel like I'm bringing such negative connotations to the term "best friends".

As I told you, I'm doing this because I'm not allowed to date you now anyway. I want to honor my dad's wishes, and I don't like this half-in and half-out thing. Not on principle, at least. Neither of us can drive to each other at this time, and I want it to be real when we date. I want to be able to see you on the weekends and hold your hand and be in your arms and kiss you and silly little things like that. Also, I felt like I need to fall deeper in love with God first. I felt like it's something he's been showing me.  And like with OSSM, there's a gut feeling that I did the right thing. Also like OSSM, it's haunting me and hurting me more than I thought it would.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to go back to our old relationship. I didn't realize how much I had come to crave your little affectionate gestures. I didn't realize how hard I had fallen for you somewhere along the line.

And now there's a wall. I feel so far from you. I feel like I've lost you somehow. I feel like I've lost my best friend.

Then I feel even worse once I realize what a hypocrite I am. Me and my double standards. How can I ask to be just friends then still expect the intimacy we had? How can I be upset at our situation when you're probably just giving me the distance you thought I had asked for? How can I be disappointed at our lack of communication when I'm the one who rejected your late night calls? How can I get jealous when I'm close friends with so many guys myself? How can I resent how you seem to talk to Jane more often and more effortlessly than you talk to me? How can I be hurt by you not putting me first when I haven't always put you first?

The truth is, I'm scared now. I'm finally terrified of losing you. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to let you go for a year now and I'm afraid of the possibility of letting you go at the end of all this.

OSSM is starting to hurt more now, too. It's like an old wound aching. They get to spend two years living with such an amazing person and they don't even know it.

The worst part is, I used to be able to tell you anything. Anything and everything. I've told you things I've never told a soul on this earth, and I was completely comfortable doing so. Now...now even saying "hey" isn't natural. Sometimes I feel like I'm just bothering you. Jane doesn't bother you though, does she? I'm sorry; I digress. I just feel like I can't talk to you anymore.

Maybe it's just these couple days and I'm blowing everything out of the waters again. A lot of these I need to get over myself, I know. I have to tame this little green monster inside myself that struggles to break free more and more often. Jealousy can kill a relationship, I've witnessed that firsthand. Jealousy and doubt. I have to trust you, trust you and God. Because what's a relationship without trust?

I've prayed so much over this. And I feel a little better about it. Then little things would trigger it again.

Is it awful that it's hard to talk to Jane without hurting in the slightest now? It's horrible. To be jealous of your own best friend.

I'm just rambling now because I'm really, really tired. You know, a while back I heard one of the best dating philosophies I've ever heard: Run as fast as you can towards God, and if someone keeps up, introduce yourself.

If I run at full speed, will you keep up?

I've never had to fake a smile for you before. I guess there's a first time for everything.

And you would ask me, perhaps half-heartedly:
"How are you?"

"I'm good! :)" I would reply.