I've been meaning to write about this for a while, and now that we have a four day Labor Day weekend, I finally can.
It's getting a bit redundant now, blogging about OSSM all the time, but I can't help that it's so often what I need to write about. I have a feeling this post will be the final chapter on this topic, though.
I'm okay again. Truly, truly okay. It happened much faster and much more unexpectedly than I had foreseen. One day, it just suddenly didn't matter anymore. I finally saw that I am where I was meant to be, and I now walk through the halls of Santa Fe being beyond grateful that I had chosen to stay. I'm not quite sure what triggered it; I just realized that Angelina will need a friend this year and that I'd much rather stay up all night finishing an art project than solving a physics problem and that I very much enjoy listening to Mr. Walsh talk about English in his big-worded ways. I realized that most everything I wanted out of OSSM, the fresh start, the disciplinary schedules, the fulfillment of productivity, I could achieve on my own if I worked hard enough, and that even though I felt some distance the first couple of days, Nathan and I are as close as ever and we will continue to be so. A part of me wanted to leave because I was sick of the stereotypically hierarchical high school atmosphere, but somehow it doesn't really matter anymore. I finally feel like I belong. I'm content, but there is still this strange wistfulness that remains.
I've tried for days to name what I was feeling. I attempted to put it into words or just some sort of explanation. I was no longer jealous, and I didn't wish I had said yes to that one fateful phone call.
It's like...OSSM is an adventure. It wasn't my adventure to have, I knew, yet there were still times I thought of the adventure with longing. It wasn't my adventure to have, I understood, yet there were still times I wondered what it would have been like if I were on the adventure. The people I could have met, the memories I could have made-- strangely, those were what I regretted the most. Hanging out in the basement, doing ballroom with Nathan, running in PE with Jane, bonding with the girls on my floor, living and learning with friends, eating meals with the Great Hall...It would have been an incredibly fun and extraordinarily unforgettable experience had I gone, I have no doubt. In the end, however, I'm glad I had stayed and I wouldn't change it if given another chance. These wistful occasions aren't exactly few and far between, but they are in no way overwhelmingly often. Wisps of wistfulness, that's all they are.
The night I chose the road less traveled by, albeit unwillingly, Vincent told me life has a knack of working itself out. I didn't quite believe him then, my naive head panicking about the irreparable state I had made my life into. I see now that everything did indeed work out for the best, and that God's plan for me is fully in place. Perhaps, of course, I am only stating this now because I have no other choice; maybe I would say the same thing had I gone to OSSM. I have no way of finding out what would have happened, however, so I won't ponder upon it. It was a lesson that took me an agonizing time to learn, but learn it I did.
Back in the months I thought OSSM was an journey I would embark on, I made another blog meant to be started there. It signaled a new start, a new chapter. For a while, I was disappointed I would not get to use it, but I realized amidst all the wistfulness that it doesn't need to take a new school to start a new blog. I had always been sort of a nomad when it came to blogs; I never stayed on one for too long. Too often, I felt the need for a change, for a new beginning. It came to me that I could still document my new chapters, though my environment has not changed. I've changed inside, with 7/17/13 this summer and many more little changes and I'm ready for even more, and that's what ultimately matters. Two things really hit me at Falls Creek this year. It's not about trying harder; it's about surrendering more. Stop trying to change yourself from the outside-in, let Jesus change you from the inside-out. I've known for years that Jesus hadn't really changed my heart and my life. Now, I'm so ready for that change, and I can't wait for the amazing things He has in store for my life. That's a change worthy of a new blog, is it not?
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