Christmas Time Is Here Again

It's finally Christmas break. Or rather, has been for a week. The much-needed break from school and stress and sleep deprivation.

I've been sick pretty much this entire time though, so I've just been sitting at home, watching Les Miserables videos and practicing violin.

Everyone's out partying and hanging out with friends. Everyone, that is, except for me. I would like to lie to myself and say that I'm only home and not out because I'm sick. I have been, actually. But I know that's only a lie. Even if I weren't sick, I'd probably still be at home, watching Les Miserables videos and practicing violin.

Seeing everyone post their "loving this break and hanging out with my bffs" pictures on Instagram makes me feel so lonely. And like a loser. Where are MY friends? Do I even have friends? I never go out on weekends or ever, really. I'm that kid that always stays home on Friday nights. Even when I DO go out, it's not with school friends. It's with my orchedork friends.

It especially hurt seeing Angelina/Kenny/Austin/Anna/Sam/Abby's picture together. How come I never get invited to hang out with them?

This is just the worst post ever. My writing skills are slowly but surely deteriorating.

I just feel...so alone. And I know I'm so distant from God. Ever since I finished the Skopos devotional, I haven't really spent any time alone with Him. Maybe it'd help if I talk to Him instead of referring to Him in third person? I don't know.

God, I just, don't know. I'm struggling so much with the whole earthly thing. I want to have friends to go to and go out with, I want to look nice and somewhat stylish. I want to be seen as smart and good at whatever I do. But I'm not. I'm so far from it.

Especially now that Christina talks to us, I can't help but envy her. She seems to be good at everything she does! She's good at tennis, great at violin considering she only started in 6th grade, in STUCO, stylish, pretty, and smart! It seems like she's everything I want to be. I can't help but try to find things that I'm better than her at (I think I have this superiority problem) and the only thing I'm good at nowadays is violin. Nothing else.

I know I need to focus more on you. Boast in nothing but in the cross. It's just....so hard.

I guess I'll just list my current problems and I can laugh at myself a year from now. Or maybe I'll still be struggling with them. That'd suck.

Friendlessness
Distance from You
Insecurities about my appearance :(
Dannie
Ahh...I don't know. Overall lack of motivation to do my best in everything? Though I doubt that's just a "current" problem.

I need someone to talk to through all of this....someone who can hold me accountable.

I'm just babbling now. I guess I'll go practice.