Cry for a Shadow

I get it now. What Stephanie meant.

What she meant when she said after Kaleb died, her team was a mess.
What she meant when she said she's fine, but she's worried about her friends.

Brenda died last night.

They called all the comp drama kids down to the drama room, and Sarah and I had no idea what was going on. We didn't think it was anything big. That is, we didn't until we saw Leah and Wendy and Erica crying down the hallway.

By the time we got to the fine arts hall, I knew someone must have passed away.

I didn't know who it was and I didn't want to know. We got to the drama room and it was a crying mess. Robin. Brody. Addison. Rachel. I mentally checked off the people that were alive. Erica. Leah. Sarah. Wendy. Ratul. Ashley. Robin reached out to hug us and sobbed out a broken "Brenda".

Was it terrible that for a second, I was relieved that it wasn't someone I was closer to?

All those unaware of the news started crying at that word, but I didn't.

I couldn't get my head around it.

Brenda? Brenda West?

How could she be dead? How could she not be walking in any minute with her sassy attitude and ask us what the hell was going on?

For a while, I just stood with no emotion, trying to comprehend everything.

I sat down and listened to the sobs and sniffles and to Robin telling us all how much she loved us. That this is our family and we belong here.

It was somewhere there that the tears came. I'm not sure what I was crying for. For Brenda's life taken by her own hand, for Brody's tears of anguish, for Lane's stunned silence.

Then the stories began. Brenda and Lockerbie. Brenda the best of the improv team. Brenda the sassy friend that cares for you. Brenda the aspiring singer.

The counselors were useless. Sparta just wanted to mourn, but they wanted to be there and be "professional".

I'm okay, just confused. But I hurt for the others.

Jessica. She and Brody both got a text from Brenda at 8:38 last night. "I love you."
They were all so close. Seeing all the pleads for Brenda to come home posted at 2 this morning breaks my heart over and over again.

How can she be gone?

Brody said something about how after Newtown, we thought we knew. But we didn't. Now we do.
He said something about how Lockerbie just kind of came together, weaving a tale of grief and overcoming it. How fitting it seems now.

Seeing all these tweets and posts about Brenda made me strangely angry. They didn't know her. Maybe I didn't know her very well either, but I was part of her drama family. She wasn't just another bullied victim. That's not Brenda. I felt like they had no right to say anything and to pretend they care.

It's strange how after today, yesterday's Boston bombing seems to pale in comparison. It's so different when you're personally affected by the death.

But this also brought on another wave of thinking. What if it had been me? Who would mourn for me when I'm gone? Do I have this kind of "family" who would support each other in the grief of losing me? What nice things would they say about me? What would I leave behind?

Rest in peace, Brenda.