Sweet Little Sixteen

The big one six.

I've never felt so loved.

This birthday was probably the least anticipated of all my birthdays. School came first, and all I could think about was all the assignments due and tests to take. My 16th birthday was the last thing on my mind. I decided to throw a little birthday dinner anyway on Mom's suggestion, and all my friends were more excited about it than I was.

It's not really a big deal. Just another day. Or so I thought.

At midnight, texts starting coming and birthday wishes on Facebook. I smiled and thanked them. It's normal birthday routine, and I had come to expect this.

After school, I went to get boba tea with Angelina and was glad to FINALLY catch up with her. So much had happened since we were last able to really talk.

However, what I didn't expect was receiving a giant card signed by all the youth and a journal at church tonight. What I didn't expect was coming home and seeing a video the WAR team spent a week working on for me on my Facebook wall. What I didn't expect was the 24 red velvet cupcakes Hannah baked for me and the incredibly heart felt note she left in the beautiful hand bound notebook she got me.

I realized something tonight. And I wasn't the only one. Nathan, Isaac, and Daniel all commented on it. I was loved.

It was just a revelation that hit me so hard, especially since I've had so many moments when I felt alone this year. I'd documented my friendlessness over and over again, wallowing in the lack of my social life. I didn't realize what wonderful support I had behind me.

I'm loved.

By so many.

It was a happy birthday.

A Hard Day's Night

I screwed up again.

Speech and Debate Regionals 2012: Part 1 is over.
I went for Prose today. 2nd, 5th, 7th, 5th.

Like Addie said, I didn't think I would be upset over the results, but I am. I mean, after the rounds, I knew they were extremely tough rounds and it would be incredibly difficult to break through. I just still had too much hope, I guess.

I'm upset about the results, but the worst part is I know it's all my own fault. If I really think about it, I know I didn't deserve to qualify for state anyway. I've worked too little on my pieces, especially my prose.

I've been so lucky with everything lately, I started thinking I could just wing everything.

I'm just so disappointed with myself. Nothing is coming out right. Not this blog post, not my drama events, not my life.

It's like I can't learn my lessons. Success doesn't just come to me. I have to WORK for them. I know that in my heart but I'm just so damn lazy and I never work hard enough. I've been given so many chances but I've blown away even more.

I hate myself and who I am now.

My problem is that I'm too lazy. My problem is that I don't work hard enough. My problem is that I trick myself into thinking I don't need to work that hard. My problem is that I am never persistent with anything I do. Not even friendships. Anything that takes time and effort I eventually lose, unless there's someone behind me making sure I do everything I'm supposed to.

What's happening to me? It's like I'm losing more ambition every year.