Christmas Time Is Here Again

It's finally Christmas break. Or rather, has been for a week. The much-needed break from school and stress and sleep deprivation.

I've been sick pretty much this entire time though, so I've just been sitting at home, watching Les Miserables videos and practicing violin.

Everyone's out partying and hanging out with friends. Everyone, that is, except for me. I would like to lie to myself and say that I'm only home and not out because I'm sick. I have been, actually. But I know that's only a lie. Even if I weren't sick, I'd probably still be at home, watching Les Miserables videos and practicing violin.

Seeing everyone post their "loving this break and hanging out with my bffs" pictures on Instagram makes me feel so lonely. And like a loser. Where are MY friends? Do I even have friends? I never go out on weekends or ever, really. I'm that kid that always stays home on Friday nights. Even when I DO go out, it's not with school friends. It's with my orchedork friends.

It especially hurt seeing Angelina/Kenny/Austin/Anna/Sam/Abby's picture together. How come I never get invited to hang out with them?

This is just the worst post ever. My writing skills are slowly but surely deteriorating.

I just feel...so alone. And I know I'm so distant from God. Ever since I finished the Skopos devotional, I haven't really spent any time alone with Him. Maybe it'd help if I talk to Him instead of referring to Him in third person? I don't know.

God, I just, don't know. I'm struggling so much with the whole earthly thing. I want to have friends to go to and go out with, I want to look nice and somewhat stylish. I want to be seen as smart and good at whatever I do. But I'm not. I'm so far from it.

Especially now that Christina talks to us, I can't help but envy her. She seems to be good at everything she does! She's good at tennis, great at violin considering she only started in 6th grade, in STUCO, stylish, pretty, and smart! It seems like she's everything I want to be. I can't help but try to find things that I'm better than her at (I think I have this superiority problem) and the only thing I'm good at nowadays is violin. Nothing else.

I know I need to focus more on you. Boast in nothing but in the cross. It's just....so hard.

I guess I'll just list my current problems and I can laugh at myself a year from now. Or maybe I'll still be struggling with them. That'd suck.

Friendlessness
Distance from You
Insecurities about my appearance :(
Dannie
Ahh...I don't know. Overall lack of motivation to do my best in everything? Though I doubt that's just a "current" problem.

I need someone to talk to through all of this....someone who can hold me accountable.

I'm just babbling now. I guess I'll go practice.

Every Little Thing

Haven't cried this hard in a while.

I guess things have just really been building up. And up. And up.

It's really little things that triggered it, little things like signing up for the Quartz audition.
It just slipped my mind that we had to fight for audition times. I really forgot we had to do that.

But yeah....basically the only times left at OCU were Sunday morning times, and Dad got pissed after he found the afternoon slots were taken because I signed up a bit late.

I don't know, he aggravates me so much. He never listens to me and does some really pointless and stupid things just to prove a point sometimes.

And I just realized that if I had really thought things through, I could have managed to get my parents to take me to Stillwater. Dang it. Nikhil will have to wait.

I've been so tired this week it's hard to make my brain function the way it's supposed to. I'm basically living on caffeine and caffeine alone. Yay coffee.

It's partly my fault (at least yesterday is) since I talk to my Quartz friends online (ironic, isn't it) and they make me stay up later. But it's just that lately at school, apart from all the work that's been piled on us, I've been feeling upset because of more social reasons. I basically realized that I have no friends at school. I mean, that's always a sad revelation, right?

Okay, I suppose that's not true. I have Angelina. But that's just it! EVERYONE is friends with Angie. Everyone loves her. And it just really sucks when your best friend has 6 other best friends and everyone loves her but not you. I seem to always befriend people like that.

When we're together and people talk to her, I'm always just standing awkwardly by the side, half in the convo and half out. Her social circle is a bit different than mine and it makes me feel so inadequate and uncomfortable with her crowd.

I love my orchedorks. I'm just so comfortable with them and I have things in common. They make me happy and feel better about myself. So after an awful day at school, I just really want to hang out with them. They brighten up my day and I have trouble staying away from what keeps my days from being crap.

Another thing I realized today (well I've thought about it before) is that I make a lot of excuses. I always knew they were excuses because I was always making them up AFTER I do something and when I'm responsible to someone. I always knew they were for someone else and not myself since I knew they were just excuses. But I convinced myself that it was convincing to others so I just kept doing it. I've always thought that they satisfied other people. but I guess not. Not after today.

I know that one day I'll look back and appreciate what my parents did, but it's just been a really bad time. Especially since things peaked at All-State as I did so well. However, the fall is always harder from a higher peak. I'm so stressed about school and things I need to do. And when I get TOO stressed, I go into extremely lax mode where I don't care anymore.

I've been so far away from God and from everyone else, really.

My life. It's just so messed up. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I have it so much better than most people, but sometimes it's so easy to overlook the good parts. What is that, derosy-retrospection?

I stray so far, so often. I know the answer to all my problems. It's Him. It's God. But I have so much trouble just to dedicate myself to him once and for all. Or is there such a thing? Everyday is a struggle, even for the holiest believers, right? I think right now, I'm just so caught up in the materialistic world. I mean, it's high school. Looks matter. A lot. And I have trouble rising above that.

I'm so tired already. I know the worst is yet to come, but it's pretty bad right now too.

Sometimes I just want to run away from all of my problems. There are so many. I miss my old self. The me that was so pure-hearted and dedicated and sure. Where did that Kevie go?

And when it comes down to my worst moments, when I really need to talk to someone about this, I couldn't find a single person.

I know Isaac would be willing to listen, but sometimes it's just that it seems like he can't offer any help at all. I don't know. Who is my true friend? Who would lend me a shoulder to cry on and tell me everything is okay? I've never shown anyone my completely unguarded self, ever.

It feels good to cry though. Finally. But it's like now I can't stop.

I know that God's there for me. Always. And that He loves me more than I could ever possibly comprehend. But I think I'm playing that game where I put God+Something=Everything, when God+NOTHING is everything.

God, please help me know that you're enough. For all my life. For my every thirst. I don't need other people to love me because YOU already love me and that's enough.

Perfect

Sometimes, I wish. I wish I had Mikaela's confidence. Julia's smarts. Stephanie's tolerance. Amanda's determination. Wimberley's looks. Rynel's funniness. Jane's athleticism. Vivian's leadership. 

I've been labeled perfect. I guess that just means I'm not really good at anything.

But I can do all things through him who gives me strength.

Because HE'S perfect. Really, actually perfect. And He loves me.