It is 2 AM, and I am currently downloading all the Les Miz videos off of Youtube. I just want to sleep.
We're in Beaumont visiting some old friends on the way back from Disney World. It's been an amazing but exhausting trip. Hogsmead was everything I imagined it would be and more, and the Magic Kingdom was, well, magical.
I'm very, very tired, so this whole post will probably just be some incoherent rambling. I just need to let things out though. There's just so much in my head, on my mind, on my heart.
OSSM is, as has become the norm, on my mind. I've come to a little more peace with it since the last post and am even starting to get a little excited for the next Santa Fe school year. I've been doing pretty well, I think, but with the start of school approaching it's getting worse again. Everything just, hurts. Little things would remind me of it and it would just sting. Little things like posts about OSSM popping up on my news feed or hearing "science and math" and I don't even know. It's so ridiculous it's sad. I got bored earlier and went on Nathan's account to read his messages (because that's what I do when I'm bored), and that was a total mistake. Reading his conversation with Jane and Richard and Vincent about homework and school next year just reminded me again of everything. There are times I just remember wow, I could've been discussing homework with them too, or talking about what I'm bringing to move-in, or wondering what they're wearing to convocation. I'm also terrified. Terrified that I screwed up my future, that my PSAT score will be awful and I'll be spent doing clubs and extracurriculars but it still won't be enough. I'm also afraid my understanding of math and science will be just enough to skim the A again and I won't actually understand the subjects and I mean I am just so bad at math it's not even funny. Obviously all this is still up to me and not my environment, or "from the will inside of you and me" like rapper Nathan put it. Still.
The videos are only half way through. I'm not getting any sleep, am I?
I started doing this thing where whenever OSSM is upsetting me again, I try to pray for someone else's problems. They say your own problems seem to shrink when you care for someone else's, and it's kind of been working. There are so many people to pray for and it makes you grateful for what you have. It's gonna take a lot longer for me to be completely okay about this again, and there will be times next year seeing pictures and hearing stories that will bring so much pain, but it'll be okay. I'll make the most of the Santa Fe these next two years and see where God takes me next, right?
Next year I need to work so, so hard. No more repeats of the years before. I can't afford it anymore. Violin, drama, school work, standardized tests. I also don't want to stray from God again. How many times do I need to fail before I truly learn that I can't do it on my own?
Apart from the resume-building stuff, I want to change myself for the better, too. I was always too caught up with how hurtful Mom and Dad could be when lecturing me to really try to change the stuff they want me to change, and that obviously defeated the purpose. But no more of that. No more irresponsibility and immaturity and selfishness and laziness. Man oh man do I need to overcome my laziness. This year, I want to really grow up. Grow up into the person I'd be proud to be and the person God meant for me to be.
The videos still aren't done, so I guess I'll ramble some more, huh?
Instead of rambling, I went and read through Bob's old blogs. Strangely, I can relate so much to how he felt.
This post didn't feel as therapeutic as usual, probably because I'm so tired. I don't usually stay up till 3 by myself. Hmm, getting up at 6 tomorrows. Two and a half sweet hours of sleep.
